Russell House staff confirmed Tuesday that seven quesaritos broke out of their pens in the Taco Bell and are at large among the campus. Multiple sightings have affirmed these reports, and the grilled Mexican goods have caused several thousand dollars in damage during their rampage.
“It was horrifying,” said Linguistics major and attack survivor Ashley Thompson. “We were sitting in class when the lights went dark. Then this horrible screech came from the vents overhead, and the next thing we knew these, these burrito-looking animals dropped down and splattered diablo sauce all over the front row, scalding everyone sitting there. And then they were on us. They moved in flashes and seemed to aim for the neck, as if they knew the most painful place to strike.”
“But they weren’t satisfied with us. Some swarmed around the furniture in the room and, and… I can’t describe it. The whiteboard was beautiful on fire, dry erase markers stretching upwards. Everything washed in a thin chipotle haze.”
“All and all, this just makes me more of a Doritos Locos Tacos girl,” Ashley concluded.
Taco Bell executive George McCarthy briefed staff and students about the situation, reiterating “This is not a drill” and “do not underestimate the quesaritto.”
“I’m confident everyone here knows the awful power of an unchecked quesarito,” McCarthy stated. “It is a force to be reckoned with, digested or not. I was there when we first created it, deep in the Yum! Foods underground laboratories. The screams, the lurid commingling of blood and refried beans,” the executive wailed before regaining his composure, donning a resolute look behind his riot helmet and turning back to the crowd. “Don’t make the same mistake we did. If you see one, remain calm, avoid eye contact, and call the Russell House Hotline immediately. Do not confront the quesarito. Do not be a hero.”
Attempts to find and capture the renegade fast food items have thus far proven futile, and officials are hoping to cap fatalities at two dozen.