Columbia Police Sergeant John Reynolds has announced that he will single handedly rid the city of all dangerous crime, one M.I.P. at a time. Reynolds has served the department for 20 years, most of which has been spent in hot-spot crime areas such as Five-Points Adult Entertainment District and off-campus student housing areas.
“I have been in this shit for too long. I can’t stand the sight of seeing another kid corrupted in this town; thrown into a life of crime and vice. These students are the most despicable people on the planet. They pack 40s, sometimes taped to their hands.”
Reynolds has one of the best records on the force; 572 confirmed arrests, most of which were for minor-in-possession and false identification charges. He received the Officer’s Valor Medal, 1st Degree, for leading the Great Cotton-Gin Raid of 2015. The raid resulted in the arrest of 63 freshman students and the confiscation of 38 Bud-Lights and 27 false Connecticut IDs, leading to thousands of dollars in penalty revenue for the department.
“Some look towards the gangs, the homeless, and thieves- they see that as a problem. No, I see the greatest danger when I look downtown. These students think that they can get away with taking a few shots and socializing with friends? Well, I’m gonna put every last one of them in the slammer, and make sure they never see the light of day again.”