President Harris Pastides announced Monday that he had taken a second job freighting used VCRs across the South Carolina-North Carolina border. Signed with national conglomerate Zenith Trucking, the university president and doctor of epidemiology will be tasked with shipping used Panasonic PV-VS4821 VCR units a total of 500 hundred miles across state lines, making multiple stops in the northern state to various affiliated retailers.
Pastides, speaking to reporters outside the Kangaroo Express gas station, elaborated on the process of becoming a truck driver: “I’ve been hittin’ the bricks makin’ sure I’m up to date on my truckin’ — White Line Fever, Smokey and the Bandit, High-Ballin’, ‘n of course Convoy. Even went out ‘n got my ol’ CB [radio] fixed up at Jeb’s. Now, I ran into a lil’ trouble lockin’ down the Dirty handle from some sumbitch down in Louisiana. But, I made a couple university donations to the right places, and let’s just say Dirty’s got his Freightshaker rarin’ to go.”
When asked about the potential of illegal shipping occuring during the process, Pastides immediately rasied both hands and said, “I ain’t got half a hog’s guess ’bout anythin’ illicit goin’ down here. What I know is I gotta get these bad boys to Blowing Rock ‘fore Thursday evenin’. That’s all I know, ‘n that’s all I wanna know, ‘less someone here wants to talk turkey.
“Just gotta get back Cola way ‘fore my parole officer susses out my new line of income.”
Clarifying why he would need a second job after receiving a raise of $108,800, Pastides said, “Listen, this President thing is a sweet gig — sweet — but Dirty needs a little scratch on the side. ‘Tween the missus and Hurley’s seven-card rad ev’ry week, El Presidente could always use some more bones in his dish.”
Hurley could not be reached for comment.
At press time Pastides had inquired to the client if he could “skim a little off the top for the effort.”