Russell House Theater’s screening of Safe Haven on Monday night proved to be quite special for freshman Katie Swindell, who went on her first date with a sophomore who was only identified as Kyle.
“I just knew he was going to ask me out,” Katie gushed. “The moment I laid eyes on him in Biology 301, I couldn’t stop staring at him.”
She continued, “I don’t have huge expectations, you know, so this was perfect. If he had walked me to the theater, that would have been way too much for a first date. The hard plastic chairs gave off the vibe that Kyle wasn’t trying too hard. I hate guys like that, the ones that go all out on the first date only to let you down with a string of long-winded disappointments that are usually common with the male gender.”
The only witness to this glorious meeting of two young souls was Michaela Landon, a junior who watches a Nicholas Sparks movie every chance she gets so that she can fill the hole in her heart created by the lack of love in her life.
“Kyle looked like he was constipated the whole time,” she recalled wistfully, tears filling her eyes. “Damn society and its absence of compassion for the emotions of men! He was probably holding his tears in the whole time.”
“He leaned away from me the whole time, wouldn’t even touch me,” Katie said excitedly. “That means he’s respectful of me and he’s putting my wants first! It’s love! It’s totally true love!”
Rumor has it that Kyle plans to ‘let Katie down gently’ at the end of the semester after she helps him pass Biology.