As the election approaches and the student government slowly crumbles at the hands of the Daily Gamecock, self-proclaimed Supreme Leader Damien Lux, founder of the campus totalitarian club, has announced a new campaign for a stricter student government.
The “FreeDUMB” campaign is an effort to tighten the reigns on student government, and on the university as a whole.
“First, I was going to try for President of the University,” Lux told the Third Spur. “But then the whole campaign rules violation fiasco happened, and I saw firsthand the dangers of a democratic society.”
Lux explains that voter fraud could be “entirely avoided” under a system of totalitarian government. Next semester, Lux says he’s taking over every position in the SGA using a small army of homeless people that he gathered on Main Street.
“Lux believes in a true zero-tolerance policy,” citizen 314 commented. “He literally does not tolerate anything and has anyone who disobeys his laws publicly flogged and beaten to death with a rake.”
Under Lux’s rule, USC would be reduced to one small college: the College of Mining. All women would be expelled and given over in marriage to a male student in the College of Mining, where they would serve their new husbands by sewing their clothes, preparing their meals, and cleaning their homes.
At press time, Lux was seen encouraging his troops to conduct a full revolution.