The UofSC community was sent into shock earlier today as news came out of the death of four UofSC students from viewing President Pastides’ true form. The University of South Carolina Police Department confirmed that the four students were instantly reduced to ash, as they attempted to look through the windows of the President’s House in the hopes of seeing the president’s day-to-day life.
“They must have witnessed his emergence from his shell of a human body, and were annihilated upon viewing his true form” a USCPD spokesman told The Third Spur. “There’s really nothing we could have done for them, especially after his groteseque creatures dragged their remains into his lair within the house.”
Twelve other students escaped with only minor injuries in the aftermath of the event, but three remain in critical condition, and seven are mutilated beyond recognition.
In a press release put out in the aftermath of the event, the USC Board of Trustees stated: “Today’s accident was a senseless tragedy. We advise all students to avoid the Horseshoe until all damage is cleared from the area. Please be mindful that the only safe contact with the President is during daylight hours, performing the ritual motions of a ‘high five.'”
“Oh, he just gets like that sometimes when he’s grumpy,” First Lady Patricia Moore-Pastides said in an interview following the incident. “Everyone has a bad day once in a while, you can’t really blame him!”
No students within one mile of the incident were able to give detailed descriptions of the event without losing consciousness or having a seizure, although one student was able to comment before suffering a massive stroke. “Now I know God is dead, and Pastides has killed him,” the student said.
The Office of the President released a brief statement: “I have tasted of flesh again, and I must be satisfied.”
As of press time, Bedtime Stories with Pastides has been postponed to protect the student body.