According to new statistics from the Federal Student Aid Commission, local student Todd Garrison owes all outstanding student loan debt in the United States, last valued at $1.2 trillion dollars. Garrison, 20, accumulated the debt over a period of two years enrolled at the university, but told the Third Spur that he refuses to let the amount dictate how he lives his life.
Calling the vast sum “an investment in [his] future,” Garrison pointed to a 2009 Forbes report titled “The 100 Highest Paying Majors in America” and declared that his Library Science major, listed at number sixty-eight, would “pay itself off” in the long run. Garrison clarified that he, over the last two years, earmarked “at least” ten percent of each of his Which Wich paychecks to paying off his loans.
When asked how he accumulated a debt equivalent to the Gross Domestic Product of Russia, Garrison shrugged and remarked, “No such thing as a free lunch.”
“You know, these things aren’t as terrible as the media makes out. Sure, they’ve got a bad reputation around the water cooler, and we’ve all read the articles about how they’re ‘destroying opportunities for this generation,’ but like my dad always says, ‘A little debt goes a long way.’” Garrison stared into the distance for ten seconds before adding, “I even hear they’re going to lower the interest rate.”
At press time, Garrison had received his third internship rejection letter of the week.