In a “necessary move”, USC roommates Steve Walsh and Mike Thompson resumed their masturbation schedule immediately after the conclusion of Parent’s Weekend earlier this month.
“It was great seeing my parents, but their arrival really messed up our masturbation schedule. Rather than spending my days sleeping and ‘DJing my own party’, I had to pretend to care about my grandma’s surgery and my sister’s basketball game. I could literally feel the tension and anger building between my legs,” Thompson said.
Walsh agreed: “My eyes nearly fell out of my head when my parents surprised me by coming up a day early on Friday. I didn’t get to ween myself, and had to stop cold-turkey. I think I had a boner for 36 hours straight. Within 30 seconds of my parent’s car leaving the parking lot, I was in my bed, with porn and tissues at my side.”
According to the roommates, the schedule was created to prevent unexpected walk-ins.
“Every guy masturbates; it is nothing to be ashamed of. However, after awkward walk-ins became a daily occurrence, it got on my nerves. After I walked in on one of Mike’s spirited and vocal sessions, we decided enough was enough. The next day, our schedule was created,” Walsh said.
Each roommate is allotted eight 15-minute slots spaced throughout the day for “manual stimulation.” There are currently no plans for parents to be invited back.