The city of Columbia, South Carolina has been plagued by a recent increase of moped gang activity. Over the past few weeks, there have been several attacks reported, resulting in zero hospitalizations.
“I was walking home at night, and before I knew it, there were five men on three mopeds circling me,” said Pierce Gilman, a victim of moped gang violence. “They demanded that I give them all of my dignity, since they had none. It was terrifying.”
“Moped gangs are no joke,” said moped gang member Clive Fisk, who wished to remain anonymous. “We aren’t just a bunch of drunks who lost our licences. We mean business. And we’re totally not gay!” Fisk then went on to cry for several minutes when he accidentally cut his finger on a piece of paper.
The Columbia Police Department is unsure of the reason for the recent increase of activity, but they believe it may have something to do with the recent Nickelback concert. The department has however responded to the activity by mounting more officers on segways.