Student Alarmed by Sudden Onset of Free Time

Student Benjamin McIntyre was alarmed this weekend by a sudden lack of deadlines, assignments and meetings. Roommates of McIntyre claim that he has checked blackboard 47 times in the last two hours, sorting through each course, including past ones, to be sure he didn’t miss anything. He has also texted every class GroupMe, only to be completely ignored.

“Something just isn’t right,” McIntyre said between checking syllabi and cross-referencing schedules. “I’m always writing a lab report or finishing one of my 15 weekly homework assignments. But now, I can’t seem to find anything to accomplish.”

The Sophomore Mechanical Engineering major says he’s even called all of his professors, asking to be assigned extra work. “Only a couple could give me something to do, but it only took 20 minutes. One of them even said that they planned this break to ‘give us some free time.’ Can believe the nerve?” He said, visibly shaken.

Eventually, McIntyre had to come to terms with the fact there was no more work to do, at which point his roommates say he sat down and stared at the wall, mumbling incoherent gibberish. After two days, McIntyre’s mental and physical health are rapidly declining. The first night he had no work, a roommate claimed he awoke at 3:00 am to find McIntyre reading the instruction manuals of all the kitchen appliances “for fun.”

“I told him that cleaning the apartment would kill a lot of time,” one roommate stated. “He just scoffed at me and said he wanted ‘real work.’”

McIntyre has also been seen having severe coughing fits and has developed a ghostly pale complexion. “I’ve always depended on the massive amounts of school work,” McIntyre said. “I’m just sorry I took it for granted.” If he is not assigned any work soon, McIntyre says he doesn’t know if he’ll make it to midterms.

At press time, McIntyre perked up as he saw an email notification, only to vomit after seeing that it was a class cancellation email.