U.S. News recently released its updated standings for colleges and universities across the United States. The prestigious Honors college was still ranked “#1 Public Honors College in South Central South Carolina at a school named after the State that it resides in”. The dean of the college, Steven Lynn, was of course, elated, but according to sources close to the Dean, the best just isn’t good enough for Dr. Lynn. In a shocking move, the Honors College announced that they will start hiring students to act as bullies in order to make the transition to USC easier for these incoming students.
“These losers are used to getting the shit kicked out of them weekly, sometimes even daily,” said Honors Residence Hall Supervisor Nathaniel Sanchez. “It’s just such a shock to go from that to being treated with dignity, we’re starting to see it really get to their heads. I’ve seen some of them actually openly talk about liking anime. It’s sick.”
When asked for comment, Dean Lynn clarified his intent. “Look… we don’t want anything too rough. Just someone to cup check them, and maybe just smack their books to the ground in passing. Just enough so these fucking nerds know that they’ll be virgins at least until they cure cancer or something cool like that.” When pressed further on who these bullies would be Dean Lynn just shrugged and stated, “probably Capstone kids.”
At press time plans were being made to add lockers in the residence hall, just large enough to fit the average pale, scrawny college student.