In a report released this morning, researchers confirmed that it’s pretty fucking obvious you are not prepared for your test today, and that you would not be receiving any pity from them. According to the report, your lack of effort towards this class, which is required by your major by the way, has the potential to become your biggest regret so far.
Dr. Stanley Roth, the project lead, explained that despite a few hopeful moments in the past week when you got ready to really consider “buckling down,” your inability to focus for more than fifteen seconds at a time is undoubtedly going to cost you 40% of your final grade.
“You could have just told Sarah you’d text her later- you brought this on yourself,” the Stanford professor said.
The report, which repeatedly refers to you as a “lazy piece of shit,” went on to explain that your abysmal grade is truly a long time coming, writing that your fate was essentially guaranteed when you made the decision to “catch up on sleep” during lecture two weeks ago. “Our research concluded that all that shit will be on the exam today,” the team wrote, “and you’re pretty clearly fucked as a result.”
The research team stressed that no one should be all that surprised by your performance, and suggested future work might investigate whether a 6 like Sarah is really worth failing this class for.