Fascist Still Finds Time For the Little Things
Bannon, emphasizing the stress often incurred by depriving human beings of basic rights, emphatically praised ‘just sitting down and having a moment to yourself.’
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Politics
Vladimir Putin Narrows Search For US Supreme Court Nomination
The Russian president reportedly settled on ‘three or four names’ that he feels will ‘uphold Russian values.’
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Donald Trump Begins Googling Information About Presidency
President-Elect Donald Trump has reportedly begun spending hours with his laptop in an attempt to familiarize himself with the role.
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Obama Signs “Stand Your Ground” Law Against Anyone Dressed as Clown
The law stipulates that all clowns are subject to be harmed, not just ones brandishing weapons or stalking citizens.
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Trump Revealed to be Two Middle Schoolers in Over-Sized Coat
Timmy and Ricky, both age 13, claim to have gotten the idea watching Saturday morning cartoons.
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Entire Nation Loses Presidential Debate
Despite the wide range of topics discussed, the nation was unable to shake the weight of several recent scandals.
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Rush Limbaugh Too Scared To Reveal Crush On Hillary Clinton
Sources revealed yesterday that conservative talk-radio icon Rush Limbaugh is still too afraid to admit he has had a crush on Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Aleppo: “What is Gary Johnson?”
The city admitted it had never heard of the former governor of New Mexico, showing a surprising lack of awareness about American politics.
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First Presidential Debate to be Broadcast Exclusively on Best Buy Display TV’s
Best Buy CEO Hubert Joly announced today that his company has secured the exclusive broadcasting rights to the first Presidential Debate on September 26th.
Read moreTrump Dips In Polls After Failing To Alienate Minority
Republican frontrunner Donald Trump experienced a dip polls after going an entire hour without alienating a single minority group.
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Republican National Committee Announces Decommission of FL-16B “Marco Rubio” Automaton
On Wednesday, RNC Chairman Reince Preibus announced that the FL-16B “Marco Rubio” AIA, or Artificial Intelligence Automaton, will be deactivated from service.
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Bernie Sanders Declares $5 Fishbowls A Right, Not A Privilege
While speaking at the University of South Carolina on Tuesday, Senator Bernie Sanders announced his belief that $5 fishbowls should be treated as a fundamental right of all students.
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Student Government Election Important Opportunity For Candidates To Practice Campaigning, Fraud
This week was election week at USC, an opportunity for candidates for President, Vice President, and Treasurer to gain real political experience in things like campaigning and fraud.
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Lindsey Graham Announces Bid For Student Body President
At a press conference last Tuesday, Senator Lindsey Graham declared his candidacy for Student Body President, stating that the university “needed the strong, guiding touch of a visionary who knows this campus like the back of his hand.”
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Trump Calls For Deportation Of All Women With Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes
By Brett Harris
Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump announced today his latest initiative to “Make America Great Again!”: Deport all women who have blonde hair and blue eyes.
Congressman On Being Caught Texting While Driving: “LOL srry”
Rep. Craig Butler (D-SC) is taking some heat this week after being pulled over by a police officer for allegedly
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