As the third week of the new year comes to an end, the world continues to become increasingly confused as 2017 has not yet killed anyone of consequence. With the high number of celebrities killed by 2016, many assumed that 2017 would continue taking famous lives. However, so far the only ‘celebrity’ death of 2017 was the author of The Exorcist, William Peter Blatty, which, sources say, no one gives a fuck about.
One local man, James Holmes, is baffled by the lack of deaths, saying “I thought 2017 would continue the trend of taking celebrities’ lives- so I could keep pretending they mattered to me for a little bit before suddenly moving on.” Holmes shrugged and added, “I guess my Facebook will be empty until 2017 makes up its mind.”
A source close to 2017 said that Bill Cosby had been in the running for the first death of the year, claiming that 2012 took Joe Paterno when he got into legal trouble, and 2017 was considering doing the same with Cosby. Other experts claim that 2017 is planning to take someone whose death would truly send the world spiraling into chaos. “These individuals, according to one expert, could be Betty White, Stan Lee, or—god forbid, Joe Biden,” one expert said.
At press time, the world was set into panic as Bob Barker began trending on Twitter and Facebook.