At the Winter’s Gate Retirement Community, there’s not much for the residents to do while they await their deaths. Some residents, however, choose to kill the time by furiously banging. One resident in particular, Ol’ Vern Abernathy, has been “hogging all the poon,” reports say, and some of the other male residents aren’t happy.
“I ain’t got laid in decades!” complained Eugene Kleiner. “I came here hoping to cum here. But Ol’ Vern has done nothing but cock block me.” Eugene is not alone. Seymour Puppington claims he hasn’t gotten head since Muriel passed back in the spring of ‘08.
The ladies of Winter’s Gate, however, have no complaints. “Ol’ Vern sure is a ladies man,” claimed Myrtle Jean. “He still has most of his hair and some of his teeth. That’s better than all the other horny jackasses here. Also, his grandson brings him plenty of Viagra.”
According to statistics from the Winter’s Gate staff, Ol’ Vern has engaged in various sexual activities with 87% of the retired women. These activities reportedly vary from hand jobs to anal to “rusty trombones.”
When The Third Spur’s senior citizen correspondent caught up with Ol’ Vern, he had just finished in Loretta Barthes, the community’s newest female member. “Ol’ Vern likes to get ‘em before they’re too dry and dusty,” Abernathy explained. “There’s nothing like a spry, young 71-year-old dame.”