Aries (March 21 to April 19) – Your month will mostly consist of convincing yourself that that itch down there is “just a rash” and “nothing serious.” Consider all options.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20) – Focus on your professional life, because nothing is going on romantically, and won’t be for a while.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20) – Your condemnation of the legion of manticores will cause a swarm of locust and mosquitos to follow your every step this month. Pursue your secret passion.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22) – Create something. Take note of insignificant details. Passive-aggressively suggest your roommate go fuck themselves.
Leo (July 23 to August 22) – Your finances suck. Consider acquiring more money.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22) – Mercury is in retrograde, and so are you.
Libra (September 23 to October 22) – Nothing of note will occur. Just go on with your life and pretend like nothing is wrong with the world.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21) – People are talking about you, but it’s not about your intellect or charisma. It’s because you chose to wear a Carmelo Anthony jersey to the [sorority] jersey party. Pick someone with some talent next time you basic piece of shit.
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21) – Build a house. Make love to a hole in the floor. Raise the house-person as one of your own.
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19) – Motion will drive your month. Unfortunately, the $17 in your bank account will allow you to only travel from home to Wendy’s for a $0.99 frosty.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) – Team up with Taurus and rob the local liquor store. The cashier is a Virgo and in retrograde, and thus is disposable. Lay low with Scorpio for a couple days until the whole thing dies down.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20) – Stick to practicality and logic. Bet the money line on the Jets over the Patriots on October 15th. Reap the monetary success.