This week I’m reviewing The Godfather, a classic film of our generation or something like that. I’m going off of memory here, so cut me some slack. I think it’s directed by Michael Bay, but I can’t be assed to find the VHS box for it in the living room to make sure.
So it starts out with this old mob boss guy talking to some blubbering baby-man about his daughter or something. I didn’t really pay attention – I saw a cat in the old guy’s hand the whole time, and it was really distracting. He smoked like an entire Marlboro factory beforehand and he’s a little hoarse. Greasy Italians… Later we see how dangerous this wheezing guy is – when a big shot talent agent won’t give the role to his grandson, he kills the agent’s racehorse and puts its head in his bed. Back in my younger days on the farm, I had to put plenty of horses out of their misery, so big whoop, Mr. Mob Man. All you kids these days are so sensitive to everything, always wanting participation trophies for doing the bare minimu-
Kid, are you even listening? I can tell you’re already losing interest because your hyperactive generation was raised on a lot of corn syrup and cocaine, so I’ll cut to the chase. Plus my idgit grandkids called me halfway through, and I missed a good thirty minutes. Now where’d I put my damn juice…
…Ah, okay, here it is. Eventually, the old guy decides his favorite son should take the helm of this massive crime family. Clearly, all those cigarettes cooked his brain because this son is a doggone church boy. He’s a war veteran and has good manners, you know, something I wish the youth these days would try to be. Compared to his other four brothers, who either kiss the old man’s butt or swear every 36.5 seconds, he’s a saint. But here’s the crazy thing: Mr. Bay must’ve really been smoking something, because he slowly turns this guy into scum of the earth. That war hero goes around kicking puppies and shitting on cars until he really is as crooked as they come. At one point he eats a whole baby.
Can you see why this movie’s a waste of time? Why would you make the audience watch this nonsense for over three and a half hours? You know how many times I had to run to the bathroom during this? Five times!
I can’t say you’ll like it, considering you’re probably already reading something else right now. You youngins these days, always posting your coffee on Twatter or whatever it is… Now run along, I have to rewind the VCR and watch something good for once.