Uh oh! Are you having an existential crisis again? It’s alright, we’ve all been there… laying in bed on a cool summer night, drifting off into a peaceful slumber, only to be jolted awake by the thought, “Fuck, am I becoming my dad?” Well, we’ve come up with a comprehensive list of ways to not end up exactly like your father.
1) Don’t Mow the Lawn
There’s a whole list of dad activities that could be put on this list but mowing the lawn is the quintessential dad activity. Just let that baby grow and keep the youth coming.
2) Work Out
It’s like they say “You can’t get that dad mind without the dad bod.” Just imagine all of the childhood trauma that could have been spared if “Daddy Six Pack” came to the rescue instead?
3) Don’t Peak in College
Tired of hearing those “Back when I was in college” stories? Don’t repeat the cycle. All you need to do is not peak in college! Oh, you don’t plan on getting a mediocre job that you hate, moving to the suburbs, and resent having children your entire life? Yeah, no one does. Hope things work out for you though.
4) Literally just compliment me like once in your goddamn life
Now this one is essential. A classic dad move is never supporting me. Also, make sure you don’t constantly compare me to other kids, and then question why I have a crippling fear of failure later in life. Like when I had that piano recital, and all you could do after was talk about the note I missed. Dad, it was one goddamn note, but you just couldn’t drop it, could you? No, of course not. This is probably why my sister doesn’t talk to you anymore, Jesus Christ.
5) Call Me