It’s been three years since we graduated, and it’s time to reflect on life. No one has had the courage to tell you, so I guess I will. You haven’t done anything substantial since high school.
Sure, in high school you were queen B. Sure got Garrett Ward to take you to prom instead of me, but let’s be honest, nobody falls in love anymore, that’s like totally submitting to the patriarchy. Sure you got invited to every party while I stayed home at did homework, but from what I hear you just got rejected for grad school at Yale. Have fun going to Duke, I’m sure the parties were worth it. Sure, you had a banging body, but I saw you at the grocery store and you totally seemed secure with all that weight you put on since senior year. Body positivity is great and all, but do you really want to flaunt those extra eight pounds? Sure your cool dad bought you booze at 15 but now I hear you barely even drink anymore. And sure, Garrett Ward, the high school love of my life, proposed to you at graduation, but I hear your wedding planner sucks.
Listen I’m not trying to criticize you, I just thought maybe you should hear it from someone who didn’t peak in high school, it seems that you did.