President Obama signed a new law this past Wednesday, which will allow citizens with properly purchased weapons, the right to inflict harm upon any person dressed as a clown without legal repercussions. The law stipulates that all clowns are subject to be harmed, not just ones brandishing weapons or stalking citizens. President Obama poked his head out from under his desk, quietly whispering “Clowns have always been scary as shit, and I think it’s time to finish them off once and for all,” before ensuring all the doors were locked and darting back underneath his desk.
The support for the bill has been overwhelming, with bipartisan backing of the law, with some hailing this as Obama’s greatest achievement. House Republican Majority Whip Steve Scalise was quoted as saying “It’s really nice to see members of Congress reaching across the aisle to work together and kill all those motherfucking clowns.” Many human rights groups have also praised the law, with ACLU President Susan N. Herman saying “Usually we would be staunchly against such an insipid and xenophobic law. But, the fact is, clowns aren’t human, therefore they don’t have rights.”
Local man and “normal” clown entertainer Roger Davies is upset at the new law and claims that “not all clowns are scary, it’s just a few bad apples. Don’t let a few psychopaths dictate how you treat an entire population.” Davies proceeded to squirt a passerby with a lapel flower before gunshots erupted from a passing vehicle.
President Obama is hopeful that all clowns will be killed before his term is up. He continued speaking from a pillow fort in his office saying, “I hope the American People will complete the task I have set before them in a quick and efficient manner.” Vice President Joe Biden comforted President Obama, and his fear of clowns, saying, “Don’t worry Barry, I get all those clown bastards,” before darting out of the oval office brandishing an AR-15 and a Machete.