Tuesday’s presentation by the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory on gravitational ripples was hastily interrupted by a gang of local jocks, sources say.
“It’s the first time the Universe has spoken to us in – oh no,” lead researcher David Reitze said as the conference began, pausing as five men stormed the podium. The assailants, clad in nearby Mondale High varsity football jackets, reportedly asked where the scientists’ telescopes were, and then knocked the books out of senior member Gabriela González’s hands.
“Can you nerds detect this ripple?” asked ringleader Chad Samson as he stepped aggressively toward Dr. Karsten Danzmann, causing the German professor and European team leader to flinch. Claiming they’d “had enough of this nerd crap,” the group berated gathered reporters as “pussies” and demanded LIGO’s 7.5 billion dollar budget for lunch money.
As the group left the stage, they remarked that the ripples were “probably from your mom’s fat ass.”