In light of recent data breaches, Facebook has unveiled several new mandatory security features it claims will help protect users’ privacy.
“Facebook cares deeply about your privacy,” a spokesperson said. “It’s our top priority. Right after turning a profit. And if people don’t feel safe on our platform, it’s harder for us to make money off of them. That’s why we’re updating our security policy.”
The new security features include requiring all users to enter in their username, password, email address, telephone number, date of birth, name of childhood pet, mother’s maiden name, phone password, social security number, driver’s license number, passport number, credit card number with CVV number, bank account number, blood type, complete medical history, stool sample, and Club Penguin account information every time they load a page on Facebook, ensuring that the user is indeed who they claim to be.
In order to store all of the new user information, Facebook is building a new open air server in the middle of Times Square in New York City. “Having the server in such a public place is ideal for security,” the spokesperson said. The theory behind the move is that there will always be someone around who can keep an eye on the server so no one will have to worry about hackers.
“Just to be perfectly clear,” the spokesperson added, “we will be selling literally all of this information to the highest bidder. That’s kinda our thing. We just want to confirm that all our data is correct.”