Following their win in the CFP Championship game over the Alabama Crimson Tide, members of the Clemson football team reportedly expressed shock and disappointment that the trophy awarded to the program did not possess an orifice for players to slide their fingers into. Multiple players were outspoken with the media post-game, after discovering that the 67 cm tall trophy contained no slit, crevice, hole, or opening of any kind in which to fondle.
“We worked hard for this all season, so it’s pretty disappointing that all of our practice fingering holes was for nothing,” defensive lineman Christian Wilkins told reporters following the thrilling come-from-behind victory. “What am I supposed to violate now?”
Senior linebacker Ben Boulware, who was playing in his final game, took a more understanding approach in his postgame press conference. “The trophy is just that, a trophy. I am thankful and humble for the opportunity Clemson University has given us to place our hands in our competitor’s anal vicinity without consent, and I am excited to begin my next chapter of publicly visible sexual harassment in the NFL.”
Clemson’s coaching staff has taken the revelation as a learning opportunity for players. “I told the guys in the locker room, that sometimes you can’t win it all,” Head Coach Dabo Swinney explained to media members. “We all wanted to manhandle that 40 lb hunk of metal, but life doesn’t work like that. You can’t fingerblast every reward you receive.”