Carolina Panthers icon Cam Newton had a run in with authorities this past week over dogfighting charges, which have Carolina Panthers executives furious. Reportedly, after the Panther’s 9-3 win over the Buffalo Bills, Newton and other Panthers’ superstar Luke Kuechly went out to celebrate. The celebrations included going back to Charlotte, renting a local airstrip, and flying planes around whilst shooting live ammunition at one another. Local police arrived shortly after it began to shut down the operation, claiming the player’s actions were “unbelievably illegal.”
“It is just incredibly irresponsible,” said Panthers’ Interim General Manager Marty Hurney, “Someone could have gotten seriously hurt, or even killed. With the way we’ve been playing so far, this team cannot afford to lose any other players.”
Newton took to Twitter to type his response to these charges against him. He tweeted dismissively, “Łôôk, wë WĒRĒ jûšt håvįńg ŠØMĘ FŪÑ! Nø HÂRM, NØ fõūł.” Kuechly responded in a more straightforward manner, justifying their actions in a recent press conference. “Football is a tough game, and you need to have a way to blow off some steam outside of the sport. For some, it’s rest and relaxation with family. For us, we like to get into renovated WWI era airplanes, fly them around, and shoot guns at each other while piloting. Why is that so hard for people to accept?”
After one reporter stood and asked how professional football players became associated with this activity, Kuechly was surprisingly composed as he responded, “You’d be surprised how many history buffs we have on this team! One day, Cam came into the locker room wearing his replica WWI fighter pilot uniform and everyone loved it. We all went out to get our pilots licenses the next day. Plus, it’s a fantastic way to build team morale! If I can trust Thomas Davis with manning my tail gun while going on a strafing run, I know I can trust him to play by my side on Sundays.” Kuechly concluded his press conference with a 30-minute rant about “The Red Baron,” whom he considers the greatest athlete ever to live, and whom he thinks of during every tackle.
It is predicted that the NFL will hand the players a ban more serious than domestic abuse, but likely less serious than if they’d smoked marijuana.