Claiming their first championship in 108 years and triggering the Apocalypse, the Chicago Cubs defeated the Cleveland Indians in Game 7 of the World Series Wednesday. The Cubs, presumed to have been cursed due to the lack of wins and general bad luck surrounding the organization, celebrated their championship blissfully, unaware that they had wrought a future of locust swarms and fire raining from the sky.
Dexter Fowler, whose lead-off home-run was key to the Cubs’ 8-7 victory, reportedly exclaimed through showers of champagne “this is the greatest night of my life,” just weeks before he will be mauled to death by a pack of wild dogs in the remains of the Art Institute of Chicago. Several of Fowler’s teammates joined in the festivities, hugging one another, granting teary-eyed interviews, and unwittingly prolonging the demon swarm’s attack for another sunless week.
Many Chicagoans took to the streets to celebrate the Cubs’ victory, with some celebrators setting fire to cars, businesses, and themselves. Maurice Troughton, 59 year-old butcher and future warlord of Michigan Avenue, will later note that the city sport a similar appearance after the collapse of the global economy, when citizens were forced to pillage the city for vital resources.
Reports out of Cleveland say that fans aren’t taking the loss too hard, despite the fact that an Indians World Series win would have spared the world from violent and agonizing ruin. “I mean, at least the Cavs won the NBA title, and there’s always next year” said Cleveland native Jason Resture, who will shortly die trying to claim the last case of water in the state of Ohio. “I mean, it’s not like it’s the end of the world or anything.”