Valentine’s Day Horoscopes
Everything you need to know for the week of love.
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love
Editorial: Smash or Pass
We’ll give you an object. Then you tell us whether you’d smash, or pass.
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Girl Thinks it’s Love After Date in Russell House Theater
“I don’t have huge expectations, you know, so this was perfect,“ she said.
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Opinion: I Accidentally Fell In Love as a Joke
The joke began with some harmless flirting, but quickly spun out of control.
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Man Breaks Into Cold Sweat After Receiving Text from Girlfriend Saying “We Gotta Talk”
“I didn’t do anything,” he feverishly claimed. “Well, at least I think I didn’t.”
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Freshman Puts Condom in Wallet Because “You Never Know”
Jenkins says he’s waiting to find the right girl not to have sex with, but to make love to. ‘If it happens at a bar, so be it,’ he says.
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Editorial: We’re Committed to the Truth, and this Relationship
What we have is special.
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Man Commits Suicide While Shopping With Girlfriend
Danvers, 26, was found deceased of an apparent suicide in the colored paper aisle of a local Michael’s.
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Man Learns Coldplay Song on Piano in New Strategy to Impress Women
He is reportedly waiting until ‘a smokin’ babe’ is in the room before trying it out.
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Last Night Absolutely Bereft of Good Decisions
Once inside, it was less than one half-hour before you were thrown from a bucking mechanical bull.
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Opinion: Yes, It’s Still Discrimination If It’s My Anime Body Pillow
We need to also acknowledge that body pillows have just as much a right to be in public spaces as the rest of us.
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Opinion: Sex Should Be Mathematical
Too often people strive for spontaneity, but I have found sex is so much better when it is formulaic.
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Rush Limbaugh Too Scared To Reveal Crush On Hillary Clinton
Sources revealed yesterday that conservative talk-radio icon Rush Limbaugh is still too afraid to admit he has had a crush on Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Couple Actually Communicates Effectively
A monumental breakthrough occurred this past Friday in inter-sex communication.
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Student Hopes Third Listen of Broadway Musical ‘Hamilton’ Enough to Get Laid
Finishing his third play-through of the week, sophomore Jared Davis expressed hope that his extensive exposure to the popular Broadway
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Local Man Buys Present For Girlfriend Planning To Dump Him
Area man Zachary Nguyen, 32, recently purchased a necklace for 28 year-old Karen LeFort, the girlfriend planning to dump him one week from Tuesday, reports say.
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Opinion: Fuck You, Derek
Fuck you Derek. You’re such an asshole. Wow. Can’t believe I even stayed with you as long as I did. All you ever did was hold me back.
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Opinion: Guys, I’ve Finally Found The One
Fall has begun, here in Columbia, and as the leaves fall to the ground and squirrels run to and fro in anticipation of the coming frost, I just went on my last first date with the girl who I know is “the one.”
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Date To State Fair Somehow Goes Terribly
Rory Morton, 18, somehow managed to have a terrible date to the South Carolina State Fair on Saturday, sources say.
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Redefining Sexual Maturity: Senior Reaches Climax Of Retired Life
At the Winter’s Gate Retirement Community, there’s not much for the residents to do while they await their deaths. Some
Read moreNSA Agent Falling For Woman Whose Emails He’s Been Reading
NSA Agent [REDACTED] tracks emails from dozens of citizens everyday, scanning them, reading them, and making sure that they don’t
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