With the COVID restrictions centering on gathering capacity and alcohol now lifted, Columbia is well on its way back to normal. And just in time for St. Patrick’s Day! Seeing as last year’s celebration was nonexistent, UofSC intends to start a brand new tradition in 2021 to jumpstart campus morale and embrace the fact that the pandemic is completely, entirely over.
“For one day, everyone gets as much beer as they want,” says UofSC Event Operations Manager Edwin Stephens. “We spent a whole semester sending out these mental health survey thingies, and all students agreed: they just need a drink.”
Russell employees and campus maintenance workers have begun working around the clock to prepare for the 12 am turnaround. Stephens explains, “From midnight to midnight, every drink dispenser, coffee maker, and on-campus fountain will produce only beer.” He added, “And that’s just the beginning.”
An internal memo surfaced detailing the plans to “punch up the place” in every area. Hallucinogens have been ordered alongside HVAC technicians to fill the air ducts of low-energy buildings such as LeConte and Davis. Furthermore, limited flyers boast that anyone touring campus on the 17th gets a free handful of party drugs from something called the “candy bowl” at the UofSC Visitor Center.
Posters advertising the campus holiday boast about reduced prices on official UofSC-branded kegs and pint glasses. Upperclassmen have been seen stocking up on orange juice and other mixers at the Carolina Creamery, and most students have already scheduled emails to their professors calling in sick on the 18th.
Edwin Stephens went on record to say “Some parents have called with concerns, sure. But hey, everyone has antibodies now. This is just the new normal.”