In this modern age of sensitivity and safe spaces, I thought we’d finally broken out from all the chains that bound us as a society. Last Saturday, my body pillow and I were proven wrong.
We were trying to have a romantic time at the Richland Mall food court when the rude, abrasive, confrontational Sbarro manager demanded that we leave our table at once, as our affection was “making the other guests uncomfortable.” Like they’ve never seen romance before. Well, I stood up and defended her honor as a gentleman and a scholar should, but I guess my ninja stars were too much for the little man, and he called security. We were escorted from the premises and were forced to spend our ruined afternoon waiting in the parking lot for Mother.
I fear for my and my pillow’s safety. This is not the kind of environment anyone should have to experience, least of all my waifu. If we are to truly rid our Western society of the white-hot scars of discrimination, then we need to also acknowledge that body pillows have just as much a right to be in public spaces as the rest of us. She’s just as much a person as you, or me, or the next body pillow. Sure, it may look like an animated (calling it a “cartoon” is too low a title) Japanese girl, and sure, you may not know if she’s “real” or “of age,” but listen to me: we will no longer be segregated.
When I was still in grade school, I was told that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Well, you know what’s inside her, aside from feathers, cotton, and that smell I can’t get rid of? Love. Last I checked we liked that quality. Or should I go back to Ms. Dickinson and tell her she’s wrong?
It’s Rei, for godssakes. Rei Ayanami? Or have you not heard about Neon Genesis Evangelion? The best anime of all time? Fucking casual. Anta baka?
What if I was carrying around a black body pillow, huh? Would it be discrimination then, PC Police? I can smell the hypocrisy from the library computer I’m using as an tool of justice.
I will not rest until body pillows achieve equality. I will not cease until Sbarro Chad and all his little mall cronies are fired from that shithole. I will not stop until everyone recognizes that the love between a boy and his anime body pillow is a beautiful, resplendent relationship and that it should have full recognition in the eyes of the law.