It’s October, and everyone seems to be mutilating seasonal produce in celebration. Why let them have all the fun? Follow this step-by-step guide exactly (and I do mean exactly, deviation of any kind will not be tolerated) to be a pumpkin pro in no time!
Step 1: Picking the perfect pumpkin
If you grow your own pumpkin, you will never be a true master. Tending the fields is peasant work, and it is best left to the peasants. You are a trueborn lord. As such, the perfect pumpkin is your birthright, free of charge, as divinely ordained. However, this does not mean that the pumpkin is presented to you on a platter. Selecting the right pumpkin is the first test of the true master, and no further counsel can be given, lest ye be a pretender.
Step 2: Preparing the pumpkin
You’ve done it! You passed the first test! I knew you could do it! Now, before you can proceed, the pumpkin must be properly prepared. Wicked spirits are known to covet flawless pumpkins, and they will try to whisk it away to the Dark Lands. You must be on guard! The archbishop of Trier will perform a purification rite on the pumpkin, but those cursed beasts will do their best to deceive you. During the purification rite, you can trust no one, not even my sage advice, or the pumpkin may be lost forever.
Step 3: Carving the pumpkin
I didn’t think you had it in you, but you held them off. The pumpkin is safe from evil, but is it safe from you? You have now reached the most difficult and important part: the ritualistic carving of the pumpkin’s delicate flesh. You won’t need a stencil. If you are the true master, God himself will plant the seed of the Holy Pattern in your mind. Once you have the design, you must lock yourself away from all worldly distractions, abstaining from eating and sleeping for three days and three nights as you work nonstop in complete darkness without making a single mistake.
Step 4: Displaying the pumpkin
I’ve never seen carving like that! By the Holy Mother, you truly are the Blessed One! Your journey is almost at its end. The hardest part is already past, now all you must do is display your pumpkin for all to see. The archbishop will help you once again, bestowing you with the Candle of a Thousand Lights, the only candle fit for your masterpiece. Once the candle is affixed and alit, the proper place to display the pumpkin is on the first step of your ancestral seat. Pilgrims will travel from across the land to marvel at your expert craftsmanship. But beware against that little shitstain Aiden from down the block, whose jealousy knows no bounds. He may rally his levies from school in an attempt to smash the pumpkin. Let your guards deal with him. That is grunt work, unworthy of your brilliance.
And there you have it! A step-by-step guide to carving your pumpkin! Happy Halloween, everyone!