Yesterday morning straight man Joel Barber ate a banana for breakfast in a completely heterosexual manner. There was absolutely no documented homoerotic insinuation in the slow, methodical thrusting of the fruit into Barber’s gaping mouth.
“No homo bwo,” the 27-year-old insisted to friends in a muffled voice, cheeks full of sweet sticky goodness.
None of Barber’s companions could find any ammunition to mock his manhood or sexual orientation, much to the surprise of all present. Barber is reported to have finished off his banana with minimal gagging, and not a single quip was made at the man’s expense as he wiped off his wet, slobbery lips.
“It’s so nice to be able to just sit back and enjoy phallic foods free of judgment. It’s like a huge load being blown away, really.”
Barber was seen later that day deftly working a popsicle with little to no use of teeth.