Thanksgiving is a time for family reunions, warm meals, and making new memories. However, it can be hard to keep the conversation going for the holiday. The Third Spur has complied a list of engaging conversation topics to make sure your Turkey Day sails as smooth as the Mayflower:
Force a Relative Out of the Closet
Modern day America is a bastion of LGBTQ tolerance, and nothing will get the discussion going better than forcibly outing a family member. They might feel embarrassed now, but they’ll thank you in ten years. Plus, there’s never a better time to explain to Uncle Rob what “docking” is.
Immediately Disclose Who You Voted For
This election was an important one for our country, but many people are surprisingly reticent to talk about the elephant in the room. Take the initiative! Vehemently announce your political affiliation and brutally put down any opposition. Don’t worry, you’re right and they know it.
Suggest Going Out For Dinner Once Preparations Are Underway
Be honest with Aunt Martha about her casserole. Every year she insists on making it, and every year it comes out like hot asphalt. Don’t walk on eggshells! You know who does a quick dinner great on a budget? The local Chinese joint. It doesn’t matter if your aunt and mom have been slaving over the stove since nine — you’re hungry now.
Ask Deeply Personal Questions of Relatives You Haven’t Spoken To In Years
Listen, people love to talk about themselves, but no one wants to admit it. Try “How’s the miscarriage?” or “I heard Stan doing great in the new marriage.” And hey, maybe you’ll learn something new about your loved ones!
Talk About the Historical Origins of Thanksgiving
People never debate historical fact. So bond with your family over how this holiday began by white supremacist imperialism and the mass genocide of Native Americans.
Tell Your Family All Potential Life Changing News
Started a new relationship with your 58-year-old Anthropology professor? Failing all of your classes this semester? Have a new drug addiction? Thanksgiving is the perfect time to draw from the experiences of your family and celebrate new life milestones.
Talk About Every New Thing You’ve Learned in College
Everyone’s eager to hear about all you’ve learned about while away. Engage your elders about the advantages of post-Soviet Leninist-Marxism and inform your younger relatives about the accident of consciousness. Nothing says family outing quite like the sentiment that organisms are islands of low entropy in an increasingly random universe!
Alienate the Family Black Sheep
Nothing brings a family together quicker than piling on the one person everybody hates! Whether it’s disparaging their career, bringing up their recent addiction relapse, or just mocking their ugly-ass new baby, you’ll be guaranteed to make some beautiful Thanksgiving memories.
From all of us here at the Third Spur, we wish you and yours the very best this holiday season. Good luck, and happy hunting!