Ah, Thanksgiving, the day where we can sit down with family to a nice meal and remind ourselves why we are thankful. What better way to do that then to ponder your own impending doom? Here are 10 foods that will probably remind you of how temporary and relatively insignificant life is!
The staple food for a Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey is a great reminder of the fragility of human life. When you think about it, we are all just birds trying to spread our wings and fly into the great unknown…until someone shoots us out of the sky, guts us, molds us into the shape they want, and sells us out to be burned by someone’s grandma. Turkey also reminds you of your ex-boyfriend Tom, who was in no way related to turkey but is probably eating turkey right now.
Not only is it tasty, but it’s also a great reminder of how many things you’ve crammed into your already busy schedule in order to feel like you’re accomplishing something. You definitely didn’t need to take more than 18 credit hours this semester, but you did it anyway. Now it’s finals week and you probably aren’t prepared at all. Yippee!
- Mashed Potatoes
More like crushed hopes and dreams. You’ve already been boiled down so much that you’re falling apart, now get ready to be smashed into one big pile of tasteless mush! What a reminder that the “real world” is far more disappointing than everyone made it out to be!
An excellent topping for almost everything you’ll eat Thanksgiving. Not only that, but it’s also a great reminder of how dull and bitter your life has become!
- Cranberry Sauce
Nobody really likes cranberry sauce except your grandma and your weird aunt. Remind you of anyone?
The much sweeter, more desirable “potato” dish. Reminds you of how much of a disappointment you are to your family, doesn’t it? Sure, you’re going to college and getting the education that they always wanted you to have, but your sister Julie is a star soccer player and your parents love her way more. Don’t take it too personally.
- Green Bean Casserole
The dish that everyone pretends they like to make your mom happy. Green Bean Casserole is a great dish to ponder the shallowness and falsity of all your friendships over. Does anyone really like you, or are they all just faking it? You’re not sure, but this casserole is absolutely disgusting.
Nothing says “I’m thankful” like performing such a petty task as shucking the husks off of corn cobs so your family can keep you out of the kitchen! Besides, the pile of husks sitting on the table reminds you of how empty you since Tom left. Cool, right?
- Pumpkin Pie
You have about a 50/50 chance of this pie being good, and it’s still the superior pie. This takes you back to when you were hopeful for the future, but then you saw who made it and now you’re questioning every decision you’ve ever made. Yum
- Pecan Pie
The back-up. You don’t really like pecan pie as much as you like pumpkin pie, but your Great Aunt Sally made it this year so you know it’s going to be garbage. This pie really makes you think about the entropic state of the universe, how we wait our whole lives just to get to a certain point and find out that we will never truly “make it”, and that the universe will eventually be blasted into oblivion and none of this will even matter in the grand scheme of time. You don’t really want this pie, but that’s okay. You’re already super full from dinner anyway.
Don’t forget to be thankful, and happy holidays!