Close-Hipp Showdown: Are You More Close or Hipp?

Tension continues to rise on campus here at USC as the feud between H. William Close and Francis M. Hipp rages on. The feud, as is well known by now, was sparked by a debate over whether or not Close or Hipp’s name should go first in the double-barreled Close-Hipp building.

“They’re not even the same building. I mean, I guess they are the same building, but it’s not the same building in the way that two subway cars make up the same train,” said USC president Michael Amiridis, a notable advocate for #TeamHipp.

#TeamHipp and #TeamClose have been clashing all over campus since the debates began, and the skirmishes have only grown more and more violent. Just this morning a sisterhood of sororities wearing #TeamClose shirts were attacked by members of the USC Fast Typists Club, vocal supporters of #TeamHipp. The casualties included a stepped on hydroflask(not even dented, just a footprint), a set of Genshin Impact keycaps, and a sign that says “Close likes Mac keyboards”. Close has been a hit with sororities thanks to his public endorsements of White Claw, Vineyard Vines, and his objection to the TikTok ban.

“We really like how supportive he is of our lifestyle,” said Smerg Wergson, president of the USC Fast Typists Club. “He’s never spoken out about our high quality Cherry MX Red switches. Just like us, we know Hipp likes the click. Keyboarding isn’t as big as it used to be, but man is Hipp still hip.”

We spoke to what appeared to be a business student at one of the Close rallies, here is what he had to say:

“Yeah, so, I don’t really know what the **** is going on. Like holy ****, **** *** ***** that guy? Nah man, Close ain’t like that. He’s more like a ***** ******** ********** ***** ***** ******* ***. ******* *********, ******* **** **** ****** ******* *** **, you know? I mean, if it were up to me, I’d make sure that those ***** pesky little ******* *** ******* ***** ********* fucking ******* could never go to school here, you know? And then, I would [unintelligible].”

It is unknown if the student’s incoherent speech was a result of him being under the influence, or simply being a member of the Darla Moore School of Business. Either way, it seems like neither side has any intention of backing down any time soon. Word is spreading of a possible Close Offensive in an attempt to finally remove Hipp from the Close-Hipp building, but it is unknown whether or not the rumors are founded. For more updates on this developing conflict, stay tuned here.