President Pastides Given Two Weeks to Throw Greatest Party Ever

President Pastides informed students and staff Monday that he has two weeks to prepare for and throw “the greatest, craziest, most hog-wild get together this school’s e’vr seen.” The university president and recent champion of the annual Horseshoe Pool Hall Brawl expressed his strong commitment to “burnin’ this city down” and clarified he had bet Clemson University president James P. Clements he could throw “the most reckless rager in this state.”

“Lemme make somethin’ real clear — Dirty Harry don’t lose bets,” Pastides stressed in his email. “An’ I absolutely don’t lose bets ’bout gettin’ down. An’ sure as hell I don’t lose bets to a man who couldn’t drink a goldfish out of a lunchpail.”

Pastides, recognizing the two weeks of preparation coincides with finals and graduation, insisted that students could balance the two. “Cut me a gotdamn break. Y’all as soon drink the night of a test as you would wake up in the mornin’. All the sudden it’s an issue? I seen y’all out there, damn near drownin’ in Busch bilgewater ’til the sun kicks off your hangover. Pull yerself together and drink for somethin’ important for the first time in y’all’s lives.”

President Pastides also stated that the party will be held at the President’s Mansion on the Horseshoe, where he has already hung several garlands of chili-pepper lights, blocked off multiple rooms for “love makin'” and “Kentucky Lightnin’,” and set up a space in the garden for a bonfire. All students are invited to attend, and the president has requested everyone “bring some tail with ’em iffin you can manage.”

At press time, Pastides had sent for a second shipment of Southern Comfort, as seventy gallons would not be enough.