Weekly News Update

Spring 2023 Edition 2 World

Weekly News Update

March 29, 2023 banks, important things like that, war, weekly news

Your weekly recap on news from around the world.

Politics Spring 2023 Edition 1 World

United States to be Demoted to Elder After Clan War Blunder

February 9, 2023February 9, 2023 balloons, Clash of Clans, politics, threats to our democracy

Is the America’s air defense up to par?

Campus Fall 2022 Edition 3 Politics World

ROTC Sends Students to Study Abroad in Ukraine

October 6, 2022 army, rotc, ukraine, war

Take a look at UofSC’s latest study abroad program.

Big Thursday Campus Developing Stories Fall 2022 Edition 2 Holiday Opinion Politics World

Opinion: It’s Time to Finally Make Big Thursday a National Holiday

September 27, 2022September 27, 2022 big, thursday

It’s high time we gave everyone’s favorite holiday the recognition it deserves.

Holiday Spring 2022 Edition 4 World

Netflix to Release New Docuseries for Women’s History Month

March 30, 2022 docuseries, serial killer, women's history month

Have you even heard of Joanna Wilkes Booth? Case-in-point.

Fact Politics Sci-Tech Spring 2022 Edition 3 The NFT Edition World

Breaking News: US and EU Have Decided to Present Putin with Ukraine NFT to Thwart Potential World War

March 22, 2022 biden, nft, putin, russia, ukraine

Take a look at how the world cleverly outsmarted everyone’s least favorite person.

Developing Stories Fall 2021 Edition 4 Politics World

Spurs Abroad: Germany’s Bundestag Election 2021

October 12, 2021 Politik, politische Wahl, Weltnachrichten

Here at Third Spur, we like to keep our loyal readers up to date on important world news. As you

Campus Fall 2021 Edition 3 World

Cup Shortages Lead to Cup Checks

October 5, 2021 covid, staffing shortage

“We have simply been left no choice.”

Fall 2021 Edition 2 World

Covid-19 Infections Surge Following Discovery of “Sigma” Variant

September 28, 2021September 28, 2021 covid 19, sigma male, socio-sexual hierarchy

All part of the Sigma grindset.

Opinion Spring 2021 Edition 1 Uncategorized World

4 Brave Stories From Our Frontline Heroes About Familial Strength And 1 Brave Story From Me About The Time My Middle School French Teacher Locked Me In A Supply Closet Because She Thought I Was Making Fun Of Her

March 23, 2021March 23, 2021 brave, frontline heroes, inspiring

So many individuals from my community have shown so much strength in the face of tragedy, hardship, and some seriously unfair circumstances

Sci-Tech Spring 2021 Edition 1 World

Some Vaccinations in Drive-Through Centers Canceled from Increased Demand, Syringe Fights

March 23, 2021March 23, 2021 syringe, vaccine

Nationwide vaccine production would be much lower than the demand projected from increased vaccine syringe usage from fights.

Campus Developing Stories Spring 2019 Edition 3 World

Long Lines Result In State Of Emergency At Russell House Chick-Fil-A

April 8, 2019 campus, chick fil a, cow, Pastides, pizza

“When I finally saw the cow coming around with pizza, I knew I could pull through.”

Fact Fall 2018 Edition 7 World

Fact: It’s a Katana, not a Sword

November 15, 2018November 15, 2018 anime, imbecile, katana, sword, weeb

No, it’s not the same thing.

Fall 2018 Edition 4 Opinion Politics World

Opinion: I Was Wrong About Trump

October 9, 2018

I would like to formally apologize for my wrongdoing. I led you astray.

Holiday Spring 2018 Edition 6 World

Top Seven Sins to Commit in the Time Between Jesus’s Death and Resurrection

March 31, 2018March 31, 2018 easter, religion, sin

Sinning Saturday is the one time where you can do wrong without Jesus Christ looking. Don’t waste it!

Campus Spring 2018 Edition 5 World

Wistful Glimmer in Study Abroad Student’s Eye as Spain Mentioned in Passing

March 6, 2018March 6, 2018 spain, study abroad

Those around Collins continued to ignore her, with one friend explaining [she] does this at least twice a week.

Sci-Tech Spring 2018 Edition 4 World

Bitcoins, Blockchains, Cryptocurrency, Click Our Article!

February 25, 2018February 25, 2018 bitcoin, cryptocurrency

We have all the buzzwords right there in our title. What else do we need to do to get you to click on that link?!

Sci-Tech Spring 2018 Edition 4 World

Jeff Bezos and the Corpse of John D. Rockefeller: A Comparison

February 25, 2018 amazon, corpse

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos goes head to head with business legend John Rockefeller.

Politics Spring 2018 Edition 4 World

“Arms Race” Between President Trump and Kim Jong-Un Continues to Intensify

February 25, 2018 Donald Trump, exercise, North Korea

Trump tweeted on Monday, ‘LITTLE MAN Kim Jong-Un knows nothing about making gains!’

Spring 2018 Edition 3 World

Valentine’s Day Horoscopes

February 14, 2018February 14, 2018 horoscopes, love, valentine

Everything you need to know for the week of love.

Politics Spring 2018 Edition 3 World

Opinion: Don’t Tell Anyone, But I Just Solved The Middle East

February 14, 2018February 14, 2018 middle east, politics, United States

By Rex Tillerson, US Secretary of State

Spring 2018 Edition 2 World

Father Cleans Battle Axe, Tours Torture Chamber with Daughter’s New Boyfriend

February 5, 2018 relationship, torture

Local father Charles Parker happened to be cleaning an 8th century battle axe this evening at exactly the same time

Opinion Spring 2018 Edition 2 World

Opinion: I Accidentally Fell In Love as a Joke

February 5, 2018February 5, 2018 love, opinion, relationship

The joke began with some harmless flirting, but quickly spun out of control.

Holiday World

Santa Claus to Skip White House Visit

December 20, 2017December 20, 2017 christmas, santa, white house

“Nearly everyone in that house is up to some dubious shit. From President Trump to the gardeners, everyone was on the naughty list.”

Thanksgiving World

5 Ways to Get People the Fuck Out of Your House on Thanksgiving

November 22, 2017January 5, 2018 home, Thanksgiving

Here’s how to get all those free-loaders out of your fucking house so you can go to sleep.

Thanksgiving World

Top 10 Thanksgiving Day Foods that Remind you of your Existential Crises

November 22, 2017 existential crisis, food, Thanksgiving

Here are 10 foods that will probably remind you of how temporary and relatively insignificant life is!

Thanksgiving World

Sears Announces New Artificial Thanksgiving Turkey

November 22, 2017November 22, 2017 sponsored content, Thanksgiving, turkey

“The best part is that no one can even tell it’s fake! And, although it is inedible, it tastes great.”

Fall 2017 Edition 7 World

Doomsday Prepper Confident Climate Change “Liberal Hoax”

November 18, 2017 climate change, doomsday, liberal, skeptic

Chavitz says he’s instead focused on the ‘real threat’ of a global conspiracy by bankers and Hollywood to enslave Christians.

Halloween World

Five Halloween Costumes to Turn People On but also Remind Them You’re Part of the #Resistance

October 24, 2017November 7, 2017 costumes, halloween, resistance

1. Sexy Climate Scientist.

Fall 2017 Edition 6 World

Consumer Advocates: “Big Pumpkin” Hid Tar, Chemicals in Pumpkin Spice for Years

October 18, 2017October 26, 2017 halloween

Washington D.C.- Consumer watchdog groups have come out in recent weeks with allegations against the Big Pumpkin industry, citing an

Halloween World

How-to Blog: Decorating a Pumpkin

October 17, 2017October 26, 2017 fall, halloween, pumpkin

Deviation of any kind will not be tolerated.

Fall 2017 Edition 5 World

Man Breaks Into Cold Sweat After Receiving Text from Girlfriend Saying “We Gotta Talk”

October 16, 2017October 16, 2017 local, love, Texting

“I didn’t do anything,” he feverishly claimed. “Well, at least I think I didn’t.”

Fall 2017 Edition 5 World

Chris Pratt Named Crown Prince of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

October 8, 2017October 16, 2017 chris pratt, saudi arabia

King Salman of Saudi Arabia shocked the world on Tuesday by naming Chris Pratt as the Crown Prince in favor of his own son and previous Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.

Spring 2017 Edition 8 World

Man Commits Suicide While Shopping With Girlfriend

March 24, 2017March 24, 2017 crime, Death, love

Danvers, 26, was found deceased of an apparent suicide in the colored paper aisle of a local Michael’s.

Spring 2017 Edition 8 World

Report: Columbia, S.C. Now Home to Most Marylanders Per Capita

March 24, 2017March 29, 2017 columbia, Maryland, South Carolina

The capitol of South Carolina has surpassed several cities over the past year for the claim, notably including Baltimore, MD.

Spring 2017 Edition 6 World

New 193-mpg Prototype Deemed ‘Not Stylish Enough’

February 25, 2017 cars, environment, vehicle

‘Why buy a car without an option for a sunroof or heated leather seating? That just seems stupid.’

Spring 2017 Edition 6 World

Florida Residents Board Up Houses in Preparation for Spring Break

February 25, 2017February 26, 2017 college, florida, spring break

Residents are boarding up windows and stocking up on supplies.

Spring 2017 Edition 2 World

Pope Francis to Host Morning Radio Confession Show

January 28, 2017 catholic, morning radio, pope, religion

It’s set to air on WKJV at seven on weekdays.

Fall 2016 Edition 9 World

Myrtle Beach Residents Begin Burying Acorns for Winter

December 1, 2016December 1, 2016 myrtle beach, weather, winter

In preparation for winter, residents of Myrtle Beach, SC have begun the annual process of burying acorns in the ground.

Thanksgiving World

Senile Grandma Over-Cooks Turkey for 17th Year in a Row

November 24, 2016November 22, 2017 dinner, family, Thanksgiving

At the end of the night, Ruth was seen asking her granddaughter how she can get on ‘the Facebook.’

Fall 2016 Edition 7 World

Cultural Appropriation Voted #1 Halloween Costume For Fifth Year Straight

November 3, 2016November 3, 2016 costumes, halloween, race

Cultural Appropriation had a significant lead in the poll over its competition, which included the kitty cat, Ken Bone, and Harley Quinn.

Fall 2016 Edition 6 World

Iraqi Army Mistakes City in Honduras for Mosul

October 27, 2016October 31, 2016 foreign affairs, iraq, ISIS

‘I guess we just went a little off course,’ al-Jubouri explained.

Fall 2016 Edition 6 World

Opinion: Yes, It’s Still Discrimination If It’s My Anime Body Pillow

October 27, 2016October 31, 2016 anime, love, opinion

We need to also acknowledge that body pillows have just as much a right to be in public spaces as the rest of us.

Fall 2016 Edition 5 World

Family Playing Monopoly Unaware of Future Destruction of Relationship

October 20, 2016October 21, 2016 family, game, Parents

Prior to the start, David confided to his wife that he hopes the game night will bring the family closer together.

Fall 2016 Edition 5 World

Zeus Checks Prayer Queue Just In Case

October 20, 2016October 20, 2016 faith, god, religion

‘It’s just something I made a habit of,’ He commented, ‘and I never saw reason to quit.’

Fall 2016 Edition 4 World

Southwest Airlines Restricts Emotional Baggage Per Customer

October 6, 2016October 31, 2017 airline, business, travel

One previous Southwest customer explained that he will no longer be flying with the airline, as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

World

Nestlé Announces New Bottled Baby Panda Blood

September 8, 2016September 8, 2016 Blood, food, Nestle, Panda

Following controversy over their water bottling plants in drought-stricken California and Oregon, Nestlé has announced that the plants will now instead be bottling baby panda blood.

World

128 Countries Sign Agreement to Not Allow American Election Refugees

August 29, 2016September 16, 2016 election, refugee crisis, summer

Today in London, a monumental agreement was reached between 128 countries to not allow Americans to flee the harsh political climate that has developed over the past year.

World

Future Alcoholic Takes First Sip Of Wine With Parents

March 25, 2016 alcohol, kid

Near the end of his family dinner yesterday evening, Timmy Lowe, 8, took his first sip of wine in what will become a life riddled with alcoholism.

World

Local Grandpa Old Enough To Be Racist Towards Irish

March 19, 2016 Grandparents, Irish, St. Patrick's

Local grandpa Garth Appleton is reportedly old enough to still be racist towards those of Irish descent. The revelation comes in the wake of this year’s St. Patrick’s Day celebrations.

World

Vineyard Vines To Release Monogrammed Roofie Dispensers

February 14, 2016February 14, 2016 Roofies, Vineyard Vines

Vineyard Vines announced today that Pez-style roofie dispensers would soon be on sale at select retailers.

World

“I Don’t Need A Doctor,” Says Man Whose Hand Fell Off

February 1, 2016 hand, injury

Early Thursday morning, college student Devon Buckley awoke to find his right hand detached from his arm, at the foot of his bed.

Holiday World

Local Man Buys Present For Girlfriend Planning To Dump Him

December 15, 2015December 20, 2017 breakup, christmas, Gift, love

Area man Zachary Nguyen, 32, recently purchased a necklace for 28 year-old Karen LeFort, the girlfriend planning to dump him one week from Tuesday, reports say.

Holiday World

Jewish Man Prepared To Be Awkward Afterthought At Work Christmas Party

December 5, 2015December 20, 2017 christmas, Hanukkah, Judaism, party

After mentioning his religion in passing to a co-worker last week, local Jew Jake Silverman announced Saturday that he’s ready to be an awkward afterthought at this year’s office holiday gathering.