10 Signs You or Someone You Know May be an NPC

  1. They inch forward at traffic lights
    • Seriously, where are you going that you need that extra two inch head start to arrive on time? We’re all going to end up stopped at the next light anyways.
  2. They eat Classic Lay’s
    • Like, I know they’re everywhere, but does anyone actually drive to the store and think “yeah, I want some CLASSIC LAY’S,” no they don’t.
  3. They don’t read
    • Anyone that finds Ice Road Truckers more engaging than one of E. L. James’ many masterpieces simply is not human.
  4. They text while driving
    • God implemented new driving QTEs with the controversial, but ultimately beneficial smartphone update. Oddly enough, these universally disliked QTEs would be completely absent if people just put the damn phone down. Who do you need to talk to so badly? Driving is not a YouTube short, you don’t need an episode of Family Guy taking up the lower half of your peripheral in order to stay awake during a drive to the store to get Classic Lay’s.
  5. They don’t play video games
    • Seriously, what do people who don’t play video games do? Text and drive?
  6. They claim to be “married”
    • My social anxiety is so severe that the idea of even sharing my bed with another person for a period longer than seventeen minutes literally makes me feel like pulling my hair out. My entire life? Nuh-uh. Having to be in the passenger seat while they text and drive? No thanks.
  7. They work in consulting
    • Bullshit lmao
  8. They drive a DOT designated “light truck”, probably a Chevy Suburban or a Ford F-150, which are not subject to the same strict safety regulations as regular automobiles, thus exponentially increasing the risk of accidents and the risk of fatality as a result of accidents.
  9. They say stuff like “there’s still a lot of good shows on Netflix”
    • Name one that isn’t Edgerunners. Oops! You can’t, because you weren’t programmed to!
  10. They vote republican.
    • Like, there’s no way, right?