Movie Reviews By Grandpa Leeroy – “The Emoji Movie”

Good God. This one.

Look, I don’t pretend to be hip with the new technology like you Millennials. A fax machine did all that and more for me than your damned phones, or Twatter… or Myspace… look, all I’m saying is that all that avocado toast is doing something to your brains, just like Fox News told me. Wait, where was I…

Oh yeah. This one. Normally you wouldn’t catch me within twelve feet of the theater where something like this’d play, but my grandkids really wanted to see this one, and I had to oblige to stop the little idgits’ constant whining. So, I figured it’d go something like this: kids get to see a movie, and I get some popcorn and shut-eye in a nice dark room. It’d be a win-win.

Five minutes in, and it became clear to me this would not be the case. This movie is so damned obnoxious– all these colors and noise all over the place… it was like going back to Normandy to fight Clown Nazis. I can’t even tell you if the plot was good or bad, or who these characters were, because it was just an assault on my senses. And you youngins like this crap? No wonder this country’s going down the shitter…

Speaking of shitter, I do actually remember one character in particular-there was an eh… emojoy? Yeah, this emojoy was literally made of shit. I’m not talking about who he was as a person, that’s the real truth: he was made of actual crap. I was flabbergasted-not only was this awful creation an affront to basic hygiene, but the writers even gave him a nice personality so the kids wouldn’t even think twice about being around shit.

Clearly, this is a prime example of the media-mongering left trying to brainwash our kids into animals: ones that don’t wash their hands and don’t see any problem in crass disposal of crap. Sounds crazy, I know, but you only gotta read up on Facebook to see the facts– you think CNN and The Washington Post being so quiet about the talking poop is a GOOD thing? All these health articles on these sites, and not ONE of them talks about avoiding poop outside of a toilet… I even asked my kids who their favorite character was, and- you guessed it -they LIKE THE SHIT. That’s all the proof you need right there!

Anyway, that’s all I can remember about this color-fueled torture. It’s a blindingly-bright assault on the senses with only an occasional break of brown from that awful coiler character ruining America’s future. Don’t bring yourself or your kids to watch this obvious leftist propaganda. Stay away– for America’s sake.