Professor Shows Up to Class To Find Every Student Skipped

We all know that feeling: you wake up early to get to class on time, only to find out it’s been canceled. Or maybe you drive all the way to campus to attend your only Friday class before finding out you could have been getting blackout drunk last night. Either way, showing up to class without checking your email is one of the most embarrassing and annoying things that will happen on a near-weekly basis in college.

Professor Diane Fors Dickson, an English 300 instructor, got a taste of her own medicine when her entire class skipped on the Monday after Fall Break. Dickson, a professor known for her stupid ass grading policy and horrible work ethic has already missed twelve of her classes this semester, despite only teaching two days a week.

“I don’t even know how she’s still employed. When she’s here she takes attendance and makes comments about how the students who are absent are losing points by the day. So we started taking attendance for her as a joke, but quickly realized the gravity of the situation. She like… never comes to class, and when she does she’s always got these real dark cracked sunglasses on. I’m actually kind of worried about her,” said Jonas Bennett, a junior in Dickson’s English course who doesn’t seem to know what RateMyProfessors is. “Seriously, this is an 8am, if she’s just not going to teach, she should at least tell us so we can get an extra hour of sleep.”

The students, who colluded via the app known as GroupMe, all organized a day to skip class together in protest of their instructor’s shitty attendance record. The morning of the class, each student sent a strongly worded email to Dickson, informing her that class would be canceled that day and she wouldn’t have to worry about the Starbucks line, or getting stopped at a railroad crossing, or being super hungover, yo. The email, which was also forwarded to the English department and university administration, included demands that students be given a free pass for the course and that stupid Dickson gets fired.

The protest did not exactly go as planned, though. One student, Jerry Benes, actually did show up to class. Students say he transferred into the class late and was never added to the GroupMe. Benes was surprised to find Dickson in the classroom and without sunglasses. Fearing for his life, Benes ran for the door, but Dickson leaped and landed before him, blocking the way exit. Benes tried to push his way through his professor, but she was growing– changing.

“It was nutso man! She like totally hulked out,” Benes described, recounting the incident. “Her skin started to get really red and she grew like an extra four feet in height. Then her arms started to get all bulgy and ripped her sleeves off. I waved my hands in the air to distract her before going in for a massive uppercut to the jaw, felling the beast instantly.”

When The Third Spur reached out to Dickson for comment, she did not deny Benes’s claims, stating “It is what it is,” before picking a really tacky tattered suit jacket from the ground and wandering off.