Group Project Members Report You Absolutely Weakest Link

A report coming out of your first class today says that you are, without a doubt, the least productive member of your class project group. The project, which constitutes a significant portion of you and your group members’ final grade, is simply way above your head.

According to your group mates, they could tell from the very beginning that you bring absolutely nothing to the table. Citing that you immediately volunteered to “be the one who puts together everyone’s parts,” it became clear to your superior classmates that you could hardly be trusted with rudimentary tasks, let alone creating a cohesive presentation. The team says they’ve been successful so far in distracting you from tasks of any consequence by having you confirm the project due-date multiple times, and asking you to pick out a font. However, the report explains that their recent decision to exclude you from the team GroupMe will spare them from having to keep humoring your meager attempts to help.

At press time, you managed not to bring a single writing utensil to the fifth straight meeting.