Nestlé Announces New Bottled Baby Panda Blood

Following controversy over their water bottling plants in drought-stricken California and Oregon, Nestlé has announced that the plants will now instead be bottling baby panda blood.

“Our expert team of child slaves is working around the clock to bring you nothing but the freshest baby panda blood,” said Nestlé CEO Paul Bulcke in a press conference on Tuesday. “And when I say around the clock, I mean it. We’re pushing those little lazy bastards as hard as we can.” The CEO went on to assure the press that the baby panda blood was 100% organic and would contain “no more than 17 times beyond permissible safe limits of lead.”

Bulcke also stated that the product was environmentally safe. “Our bottles are completely biodegradable, and will decompose in a landfill in just 450 years.” On the ethicality of bottling and selling baby panda blood, Bulcke simply stated “baby pandas have no right to their blood just because they were born with it.”

Some critics of the Swiss company accuse the move of simply being a public relations stunt, with little substantive changes to business practices, while others have lauded the company for finding a sensible solution in a time of crisis, keeping jobs for American children on American soil.

At press time, Nestlé has launched an aggressive ad campaign marketing baby panda blood as a breastmilk substitute in many developing nations.