Columbia To Build Shrine For Local Squirrel
Columbia city officials recently announced their decision to build a solid-gold shrine of local squirrel, Stewart. Despite criticism that the statue will far exceed this year’s budget, the city plans to go ahead with the shrine later in March.
Stewart the squirrel has been adored by many of Columbia’s citizens over the years, and his friendliness has led to numerous selfies and public appearances. Despite prior allegations including biting the nose off of a child, and burrowing through a man’s rectum and eating his intestines, local officials say they will place the shrine where the Confederate Battle Flag once flew in front of the State House.
When asked about the decision, one state representative was quoted as saying, “Since South Carolina isn’t racist anymore, we felt that a giant shrine of a local icon would be the best way to show of our acceptance of all races and species.”
Residents are strongly divided on the subject, mostly because of the polarizing allegations concerning Stewart’s actions.
One woman, Jenna Rothstein, is excited by the prospect of a statue. She explained, “Stewart is so cute! And all the squirrels in Columbia are so nuts, it would be cool to have something to remember them by.”
Another man, James Joseph, wasn’t so happy. “That bastard Stewart stole my girlfriend last week,” he said. “I’ll kill him if I see him again.”
At press time, the University of South Carolina is discussing awarding an honorary degree to Stewart.
