Opinion: Clemson Does Not Fear The Elder Gods

By Belial the Younger

There was a time when all men quaked before the Elder Gods. That time is long gone. Now, only a few of us remain who know the true power of the Elder Gods. The arrogant hedonists at Clemson are among those who have forgotten.

Here at the University of South Carolina, we still know the wrath of the Elder Gods. Day in and day out, we toil in the fields to produce enough food to appease the Elder Gods. We go weeks without food for ourselves because we know our sacrifice prevents the return of the Thousand-Year Night. We are an honest people.

But in the faraway land of Clemson, the profligates do nothing but dance their dances and drink their wine! They have forgotten how to work the land! They dare tempt the hand of the Elder Gods! I say we should intervene on behalf of our Lord Ikra’al before he burns the oceans!

Carolinians! We must organize under our banners into warbands and raiding parties. We must sneak into their camps. We must gather prisoners. We must spill Clemson blood before their carousing dooms us all! Hail Eniyyula! Hail Lakanos! Hail Ikra’al!