Student Launders $3.6 Million Through Carolina Cash

Yesterday afternoon campus officials announced the apprehension of Stanley Flores, 20, who is accused of funneling more than $3.6 million through the popular USC payment service, ‘Carolina Cash.’ Flores, a senior finance major, is facing charges of fraud, money laundering, criminal conspiracy, and perhaps most severe, violating the Carolinian Creed.

The joint task force of FBI, DEA, and USCPD officials says they first took notice of Flores when he bought $48,000 dollars worth of South Carolina shot glasses and Gamecock-themed stuffed bears from the Russell House Bookstore, all using his Carolina Card.

“We knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but as I like to always say: Follow the money,” said Det. Charles Bennett in a press briefing earlier this morning. “When we started to notice $100,000 purchases at the CVS, entire vending machines getting bought out, and hundreds of copies of Calculus II textbooks being paid for at once, we knew something smelled fishy.”

Flores’ attorney maintains that his client was not laundering money in any way, and that the 10,000 coffee mugs, diploma frames, flash drives and pairs of cowboy boots in question were “routine purchases” for Flores.

The student body is torn on the charges, and many are supporting Flores despite the allegations.

“Can we really call this a free country if you can’t buy out the entire stock of Einstein’s Bagels without getting arrested?” one student remarked to reporters.

Authorities are still stunned by the event, calling it the biggest white collar crime on campus since the Counterfeit Meal-Swipe ring of 2006.