President Pastides Stumbles Back Onto Campus After Weekend Bender

Walking at a slow, determined pace as the Sun rose over the Horseshoe, University president Harris Pastides reentered the heart of USC for the first time after an alcohol-and-drug fueled bender which lasted the duration of the long Martin Luther King, Jr. Weekend. Haggard and unshaven but not defeated, Pastides nodded to passerby and took long, retrospective drags on his unfiltered Pall Mall cigarette.

“It’s been a wild one,” the President mumbled aloud as he rubbed his face clean of dirt and excess cocaine. “Dirty Harry’s had his hands in a hundred wild tears, but this one just might take the cake. When you’re takin’ pulls of King Cobra with Hobo Bart on the statue of Strom Thurmond, well — shoo buddy, it’s been a good ride.”

Witnesses on the Horseshoe noted the President’s beaming, downward gaze, repeated grunts and moans, and his shuffling gait as he mentioned several escapades undertaken over the weekend, including “gettin’ thrown out of every bar downtown, even the shitholes,” clambering up the side of the State House to hoist a flag bearing crossed bottles of Jack Daniel’s behind a skull, spray-painting “Molly Hatchet Kicks Ass” in the tunnels beneath town, stealing several Clemson-branded license plates from the downtown area, and “swiggin’ enough Southern Comfort to down one ah them zoo elephants.”

“Which, by the way, are harder to ride than you might believe.”

Pastides wistfully recalled an encounter with campus police, saying that the longtime university President “had to scramble over a couple fences to lose the fuzz,” as “our smokies don’t take kindly to my throwin’ empties on the roof behind Rutledge.” After a light chuckle, the president added, “But I’ve been doin’ that for years without any heat, so don’t expect ol’ Dirty to stop on account of one shoegum cowboy.”

At press time, Pastides was feeling around his heart-print boxers for the keys to the Presidential Residence.