FBI Director Demands Wife Open Backdoor

Late last night, sources report FBI director James Comey demanded that his wife, Patrice Comey, open her “backdoor,” citing concerns for national security.

Patrice responded to the request negatively, stating opening her backdoor now would “set a dangerous legal precedent.” Tech giants Apple and Google sided with Patrice, as well as many cybersecurity experts.

While some on the FBI director’s side suggest that the backdoor only has to be opened once, Google’s Larry Page disagreed. “That doesn’t work,” he told The Third Spur. “Math doesn’t work like that. Domestic issues don’t work like that. She opens that backdoor tonight, and she will be expected to open it every night.”

In light of recent terrorist attacks, many Americans find national security to be a pressing issue. Although the Comey’s request is hotly debated, a recent poll found 51 percent of Americans in favor of Patrice opening her backdoor, 38 percent opposed and the rest unsure.

Comey responded to his wife’s comments in a letter to the Lawfare blog, stating “This argument isn’t trying to set a precedent or send any kind of message. It’s about the two of us having anal intercourse.”