Third Spur Presents: 14 Tips for Finals Week

Before Third Spur signs off for the semester, we want to make sure you’re prepared to ace those finals. Follow these tips to make sure you get that A!

1. Get an Edgy Tattoo or Piercing

Completely avoid studying by permanently altering your body. Procrastinating on the Internet makes you feel bad- instead, do something productive like snagging some new ink.

2. Drive Off a Bridge

We’ve all had that thought as we drive over the Blossom Street Bridge. Let’s just say this- there are no final grades underwater.

3. Don’t Go

You have existential freedom. Why the fuck would you take a test (or do anything at all) if you don’t want to? Seriously, take a step back and reevaluate your cog-in-machine reality.

4. Sleep with Your Head on a Book

Science says falling asleep while listening to Spanish helps you become bilingual or something. The same is probably true if you use your Anatomy textbook as your pillow.

5. Have a Child with Your Professor

Raising a child is a full-time job. You think they’ll have time to squeeze in an exam, too? Not likely.

6. Drive your Zapp a Little Too Fast

Get a bit reckless on a Zapp scooter and put your finals attendance up to fate.

7. Create Facebook

Everybody knows if you build a social media empire with more than a billion users, you can drop out of college.

8. Adopt as Many Dogs as Possible

It’s not a secret that petting cute animals helps people deal with stress. Along the same lines, bringing every homeless dog in the city into your apartment is going to mean a totally chill finals week!

9. Change Majors Right Now

Finals week is the best time to adjust your study habits, work ethic, and major program.

10. Delete Your Name from the USC Database

They say to remove a problem at its source- in this case, your status as a current student at USC.

11. Ask Your Mother to Do It for You

She’s a very helpful lady, and also probably better at Statistics than you.

12. Spend Several Hours a Night Memorizing Important Information and Re-reading Course Materials

While it may sound like hocus-pocus, doing this seems to have a positive effect on final grades. Don’t ask us why!

13. Decide to Study Abroad

It isn’t too late to pick up a Maymester and leave a few weeks early.

14. Sacrifice Lambs in Your Classroom

Why wouldn’t you cover all your bases when it comes to academic success?