Garnet&Fratted: UofSC’s New Attempt to Make Everyone Feel Included

Are you feeling lonely on campus? Are you a prospective student worried about being able to make friends? Fear no more, thanks to UofSC’s new initiative: Garnet&Fratted. The campaign, as introduced by University President Michael Amiridis, encourages male students to join fraternities, citing the social benefits of joining Greek Life.

The campaign comes alongside a slew of other inclusivity initiatives. Campus tour guides have recently begun telling students to wear their student ID on a lanyard to keep it safe, and that riding an electric scooter across campus is the coolest and safest way to get around. Meanwhile, the University has also been trying to keep the gender ratio in classes as close to equal as possible; this has caused problems in the psychology department.

“The results speak for themselves,” Amiridis said during the press conference during which he revealed Garnet&Fratted. “Young men who join fraternities are far more likely to walk around in obnoxiously loud groups, wear backwards hats, and tape empty beer boxes to their walls.”

The campaign will require all male students not in a fraternity to rush starting next semester, and those who fail to join a fraternity will have a $900 “loneliness” fee added to their account. Those who do join a fraternity will have an $850 fee added to their account to not pay for a parking garage at Greek Village.

When Amiridis was asked during the press conference why the initiative only applied to male students, he said, “You know, a young lady can stand up and say “I’m lonely” and a hundred souls will rush to her side. If you’re a fella and you say the same thing, your counselor is going to give you a self help book or the suicide hotline. Chris Rock said that.” This comment was followed by a standing ovation from the crowd.

“Given the success of Garnet&Vaxxed last year, it was only natural that we think up more campaigns using the same catchphrase,” Amiridis said in a one-on-one interview with the Third Spur after the press conference. “Once we’ve homogenized the male student body, I think we’ll be safe to move forward with “Garnet&Drafted,” and maybe afterwards we can think about “Garnet&Sororoted.”