Thanks to an anonymous tip, The Third Spur has recently acquired Top Secret documentation detailing the inner-workings of the UofSC broadband internet access system Eduroam. A series of damning reports, alleging the nearly 20-million-dollar overhaul of the campus’s student and faculty’s cyber connection is powered off the back of one giant hamster, were dropped off at the doorstep of our offices late last night.
These reports detail budgeting information, standard logistical jargon, but most interestingly schematics for a 20-foot-tall hamster wheel to be installed in the basement of the McBryde dormitories. One genetically engineered hamster, henceforward referred to as “Clarence”, is cited to run on the wheel to generate the power for the University’s wireless internet access.
Recent complaints to the Third Spur include the unreliability of the Eduroam system, including frequent drops in connection and dead-zones on the campus. These newfound reports conclude that loss of connection, and inability to connect to the network are the result of Clarence stepping off of the wheel, either to eat, drink, or take his OSHA mandated break.
Independent audits of the program found in the documentation reveal that the project “has some initial shortcomings,” but that the University plans to remedy such issues by installing a second larger-than-life wheel in the coming future. Russell House, Bates West, and South Tower are proposed locations for the new expansions.
UofSC appears to be the first university to fully embrace the use of hamster power for general campus needs. Although MIT was the first to propose the idea, researchers were unable to develop a working prototype; Eventually abandoning the project in favor of harnessing hydroelectric power from leaky faucets. It appears from these reports that UofSC was able to overcome the challenges that MIT could not, and create a functional system for Clarence and the campus.
When asked his opinion on these allegations, Director of Internet Systems Forest Summers declined to comment, although his office referred us to the University’s policy on animal welfare. Animal rights activists have been gathering on the campus to show solidarity for Clarence, claiming that the increase in recent connection drops is a sign that he is being overworked.
Activist Toni Roberts told The Third Spur “I think it’s clear that the conditions Clarence are currently subjugated to are too strenuous for his liking. It’s obvious that the only course of action is to divert more tuition dollars into this project to improve his work-life balance.”
Others have speculated that the Ice Machine in Honeycomb Café is also being run off of hamster power.