Gamecock Fans “Can’t Wait” to be Destroyed by Alabama Next Year

The University of South Carolina 2019 football schedule was recently announced, notably including a home game against Alabama in September. Gamecock football fans can’t contain their excitement about this event, and many students are looking forward to the high-stakes match-up.

Laney Jefferson, a sophomore nursing major, is optimistic about the game. “I think we will only lose by 70 points or so! And if I have a lot of homework, I can just leave after the first fifteen minutes, along with half of the student section,” said Jefferson.

“You know, the game plan is to be really optimistic about it and put out some really exciting hype videos a few weeks before the game and then get completely obliterated on game day, ” Head Coach Will Muschamp said confidently. “You saw how we did it with Georgia this year. We even hyped ourselves up enough to get ranked number 24 before the big day. It’s all about presentation.”

We asked Muschamp about his strategy for the actual game and how he plans to combat the Alabama, a powerhouse team, but at that point, he declared himself “unavailable for comment.”

Non-USC students are equally excited for the big game. Die-hard fan and USC alumnus William Medina echoed student sentiments, stating, “I can’t wait for us to get slaughtered. It’s so nice to have a false sense of hope early in the season, only to have my dreams crushed in the first five minutes of the game. It’s the Gamecock way.”

Overall, students found a silver lining in USC’s inevitable failure. “If I’m going to be completely honest, I doubt I will even be conscious enough to understand what’s going on at the game,” says junior business major John Brock, “All I know is that Five Points is going to be LIT that night.”