Hello loyal readers and welcome to Cookin’ with the Spurs, where we bring you delicious recipes tailored directly for YOU! Today we will produce tantalizing chocolate chip cookies.
Baking is all about finesse. Every measurement has to be calculated and performed perfectly, or the entire recipe will be a bust. If you couldn’t level off a cup of flour or ace a complicated ropes course, for instance, then this article isn’t for you.
- Chocolate Chips
- Wooden mallet
- Aerosolized hairspray
- Grappling hook
First, preheat your oven to 350, then mix the sugar and butter. Normally you would add in some other crap here, but these cookies don’t need to be perfect, since you won’t be eating them. Add the chocolate chips, flour, and eggs, and throw that slop in the oven. After about 10 minutes, take out the tray and put them in brown paper bags. Finally, you’re ready for phase 2.
Take your grappling hook and break into the Russell air vent facing the Student Health Center. Make sure you go on a moonless night so you have the cover of darkness.
As you make your way through the vent system, watch out for the hissing cockroaches. They may look harmless, but Aramark trained them to defend their domain to the death. Your wooden mallet should come in handy here.
Once you’re above Oath Pizza, take a look through the vent slats. There’s your prize: those perfectly baked, mouthwatering chocolate chip cookies. You should arrive late enough that the employees are closing in the back, but haven’t taken those heavenly treats to be stored yet.
Remove the grate and spray the hairspray into the air below you. See those lasers? You aren’t the first to try this, but you will be the first to succeed. Attach a rope to your waist and gingerly lower yourself down. I recommend years of honed gymnastics training, but if that’s not possible then store-bought mirrors will deflect the lasers fine.
Okay, here is your moment; once you remove an Oath cookie from their container, you have less than a second to replace them with your home-baked decoy. Careful… careful…
Damn. Well, now you’ve done it. That rumbling you hear is the enormous ball of pizza dough rolling towards you to crush your body into a thin-crust corpse. Run, you idiot! The automatic door is closing!
Whew, you made it… but something’s missing! Quick, reach back in and grab your fedora–nice, you got it just in time.
Enjoy the best chocolate cookie you’ve ever tasted; you earned it. And don’t forget to tune in next week for our recipe for the perfect Chick-Fil-A milkshake!